The Terrifying Rarity of Truth
by charliespike18
Summary: Her eyes are on the window and the two people sitting, laughing, in the warm. Her husband and her daughter -this is what she lives for -these moments where she can just be happy, without any stresses pressing down on her shoulders. Johanna Beckett smiles and enters the restaurant- AU where Beckett's mom doesn't die. Three Shot showing the effect this has on Kate's life.
1. Chapter 1

_As adults will grow and maturity shows_  
 _All the terrifying rarity of truth,_  
 _As you turn to your mind,_  
 _And your thoughts they rewind_  
 _To old happenings and things that are done,_  
 _You can't find what's passed,_  
 _Make that happiness last,_  
 _Seeing from those eyes what you've become,_  
 _What you've become._

 _\- Haunt, Bastille_

* * *

 **9th January 1999.**

It's dark outside the restaurant - cold too, but she doesn't notice.

No; her eyes are on the window and the two people sitting, laughing, in the warm.

Her husband and her daughter - her family.

This is what she lives for - these moments where she can just be happy, without any stresses pressing down on her shoulders.

Johanna Beckett smiles and pushes the door open.

She is happy.

She's never to know this was the night she should've died.

(The restaurant is beautiful and the night is perfect and she doesn't die)

...

 **18th November 2012**

Kate Beckett loves sunsets.

Always has.

But sunsets from planes, she has discovered, are particularly wonderful.

Her eyes fall for a moment from the small window to the paperwork sitting on the fold out table in front of her and beside her, her father laughs.

"Katie, relax," he says, "you're still on holiday for a few hours at least."

She laughs too and glances over her shoulder at her parents.

Their on their way back from Aunt Theresa's third wedding and Kate wouldn't really call that a holiday.

Her mother smiles at her and Kate turns back to the sunset.

For a moment Kate feels a little jealous.

It's stupid - irrational even.

But she'd give anything to have the type of love her parents have.

Still have, even after so many years of marriage.

Kate knows her mother wants her to settle down - have a family - but Kate's always just that little bit too busy for a life.

Johanna thinks that one day it'll happen.

Kate's not so sure.

(Because Johanna didn't die she got to see her daughter grow up)

...

She's cold - Kate's been out of the airport for nearly half an hour and the street is dark.

She's heading for her office on 52nd and Lex to pick up her mail.

Her mom had laughed at that.

"Oh Kate, that can wait till tomorrow surely?"

But she had gone, walking down the November street, calling a goodbye and a promise to call at some point.

They think she's lonely.

They're not that wrong, if Kate thinks about it.

But getting depressed about it at eleven o'clock at night while walking through Manhattan is not the thing to do.

So she keeps going, turning the corner and taking a deep breath. Being lonely, however, isn't quite as bad as her parents think it is.

Her eyes fall to her office door and it's then she sees him. He's standing by the door she's supposed to be heading for and Kate has no clue as to why he's there.

He doesn't notice her, not for a second, but when he does his attention falls to her.

 _What the hell?_

"Katharine Beckett?" he asks, "I'm Richard Castle."

He offers his hand and she takes it. "I heard you were a damn good lawyer."

(Because her mom got to see her grow up, she never became cop and never met him)

...

He wants a divorce.

That's why he finds her.

Katharine Beckett - criminal lawyer by day, kick-ass divorce lawyer by night.

Castle knows that there's not many people who are qualified in two types of law.

He guessing that there's a story behind that.

But then again, there's a story behind most things - him for example. He was lonely. That was why he married Paula Haas. Even his mother said it was never going to end well.

He didn't listen to her but in hindsight maybe he should've.

But he was lonely, wasn't he?

He's not heartbroken, not like he should have been when he found out his wife was having it off with another man. It doesn't even hurt as much as when he found Meredith in bed with her director and that was nothing.

He just wants it over.

That's why he's sitting outside her offices on a random November evening.

He just wants it over.

(Because she never met him, he thought marrying his agent was the best idea he'd ever had)

...

She ushers him to a coffee shop round the corner. It's started snowing and her hands are too cold to struggle with the keys and get in to the office.

It's warm there, too, and the coffee's good. It's there that Richard Castle tells her he wants her help to get a divorce.

She nods, but doesn't say anything to start with - she doesn't do divorce - not really. She's a criminal lawyer. She deals with crime. Not divorce, not much.

Not since she finalised her own divorce. He's not to know that, Castle, is he?

Kate tries to explain this over steaming coffee and bear claws.

He just tells her that there's a story behind that.

He theorise that once upon a time she was married - and to him she looks like a one and done type of girl - so to her this was her chance. Her chance at married life.

She nearly laughs in pause he leaves before speaking again. Castle is closer to the truth that he could ever know. He goes on to tell her that he doesn't think she loved her husband - not enough - and she just stares and feels like asking him how the hell he knows.

But then again, she never told anyone that.

She's surprised he can read her so well when all her friends complain she has ten foot high walls surrounding her private life.

Not to him - she assumes.

She tells him then, quietly - before he can continue to exploring her back story - that she qualified in family law, in divorce law, so she could leave her husband without too much hurt.

He tells a joke, she laughs.

"My daughter always used to say that I was good at inventing random peoples histories."

Kate doesn't ask about the use of past tense.

(Because Castle thought marrying his agent was the best idea he'd ever had, Alexis doesn't talk to him much anymore)

...

Kate orders another coffee and they keep talking. Castle tells her all the details any good divorce lawyer would need. He has practice in these things - this will be his third after all.

He tries not to think about how lonely that makes him.

As he talks she looks at him - wonders what it is about him that makes him so good at reading people. He was so damn close after all - to what had drawn her to specialise in that second kind of law.

She hates her mother sometimes - just a little - because it was Johanna who told her that marrying drunk at a drive through chapel in Vegas was actually legally binding. She was a one and done kind of girl - that's what Castle said - and it was true.

So she had tried, so hard, to make it work.

Such a shame Rogan hadn't felt quite the same.

Sometimes she wishes her mother hadn't said anything and she could've just thought it meant nothing for the rest of her life.

She doesn't tell Castle that, no, but they talk.

He tells her, after the third coffee, that he doesn't talk much to anyone anymore and it's nice.

He tells a joke.

She laughs.

(Because Alexis doesn't talk to him much anymore, he and Kate talk 'till gone two in the morning.)

...

She knows who he is.

Of course she does.

Her mother _loves_ Richard Castle.

Johanna Beckett has read all his books.

She mentions it in passing - and he just nods.

He's not arrogant about it, no, he just keeps talking - asking about some of the cases she's handled. Castle thinks she'd be a good muse. He could fill so many books with her stories and he's only known her a few hours.

But it doesn't matter - he's still got a book series on the go.

 _Strike and Payne_

Based off Ryan and Esposito - his friends from the 12th, his cop buddies who let him tag along. They're best sellers - Strike and Payne - Lightning Strike and Sharp Payne and all the assorted others have sold millions of copies between them. But with her. With her it would be different. He's not sure how but it would.

It would be different.

He doesn't tell her this - she'd probably find it a little creepy anyway - so instead they talk about which coffee's they like and what type of pizza is there favourite. Neither are quite sure how they got there from talk of divorce.

Kate puts it down to tiredness - to being sleep deprived - but she's never been this open with a stranger before. Not since before Rogan and she was married to him for a long time.

When she finally leaves she realises her keys are still with her mother and she feels like an idiot.

Castle just says that anyone could do it and it makes her smile. They trade numbers on the back of business cards and she promises to call with an appointment time.

Kate's nearly out the door when he offers her his spare room - it's only him and his mother and the house is so big.

But she declines.

She's still smiling when she re-emerges into the cold Manhattan night, though.

She hails a cab and gives her parents address and she's at their house in fifteen minutes.

(Because they talked 'till two in the morning, she feels like a guilty teenager when her mom opens the door and hands her her keys.)

...

She stays at her parent's house that night.

She's tired and cold and they have a bed.

Her bed.

Her mom asks where she's been and she says she had a meeting with a client.

Because she has, hasn't she? That's what Castle is to her.

Her mom laughs because she knows better than most that you don't have appointments with clients at midnight.

But apparently for Kate, she does - and no matter what she says to her mom she can't make her believe her.

Despite being so tired, sleep won't come for her.

She lies there and listens to all the familiar sounds of her childhood being replayed; the creaking of the pipes, the sound of the stairs when someone tries to sneak up them, the water pattering down in the shower - her parent's talking in their bedroom when they think she can't hear.

"It wasn't a boy," her father says.

"Oh, Jim, of course it was," her mother replies.

"Why don't you believe her?" Kate's wondering the same thing - because it wasn't a 'boy' as her mother put it. It was just work.

Wasn't it?

"You didn't see her eyes, did you?"

Her eyes? What did her eyes betray?

It's a question she's still asking when sleep finally finds her at three o'clock.

(Because she feels like a guilty teenager when her mom opens the door, Kate sneaks out before her parents are up)

...

She doesn't want the questions - that's what she'll say.

She makes it to her office in double quick time – turning on the heater as soon as she gets there because it's _freezing._

Kate shouldn't even be there – at the office - she's supposed to be having a day off but there's work to be done and she has next to no personal life so why not put her time to good use?

Kate flicks through her emails once her computer has booted up and finds nothing pressing, nothing she has to complete immediately.

So she gets Castle's number from the back of his card and puts in on the table next to her appointment book.

Then she calls him.

Kate forgets is only ten to seven in the morning and that he's probably asleep.

She's only had three and a half hours sleep anyway – most people couldn't function at all.

But, much to her surprise, he picks up.

And he sounds just as tired as she feels.

"Hello? Richard Castle speaking?"

"Hi."

 _Hi?_ Where had that come from?

"It's Katherine Beckett, we spoke last night?"

"My memory's not that bad. Of course I remember," he says "You're kind of hard to forget."

She changes the topic after that, guiding the conversation towards appointments and price and whether he's really ready for a divorce. The answer's an emphatic _'yes'_ so Kate knows he's sure. They talk for a bit longer – until her cell rings and Kate realises that her mom's trying to get through to her.

She tells Castle she has to go – and seeing as they've just arranged his appointments for the foreseeable future there shouldn't be anything else to talk about.

Yet – yet they both feel like there's more to say.

But it's alright, he thinks, his first appointment is set for that morning.

Kate rings off and picks up the cell accepting the call and listening to her mother on the other end of the line.

(Because she snuck out before her parents were up, her mother decides that she's done something stupid like sleep with a married man)

...

Her mother turns up at the office twenty minutes later.

"You can tell me anything, Katie," she says and Kate gets the feeling her mom thinks she's done something terrible.

But she hasn't, has she?

No.

She hasn't.

For some ridiculous reason her mom thinks she's slept with a man whose already taken and for a moment that makes Kate laugh.

Like she _has_ a sex life - like she has a life at all.

But her mom is actually quite worried so she tells her not to - she's not done anything like that.

Nothing like that at all.

And then Kate tells her about Rick and the coffee shop and the fact he wants a divorce.

Her mother just stares.

"Richard Castle, as in the author?" Kate nods in reply to her mothers words.

Neither of them can quite believe it.

(Because her mother thought she was sleeping with a married man, the first thing Castle hears when he arrives for his appointment is Johanna Beckett asking her daughter if she's sleeping with him)

...

Castle's her first session of the day – he's her only appointment because she's not supposed to be working.

Her mother sits with her for a bit, quizzing her about her late night coffee shop meeting.

To Kate, Johanna still sounds slightly worried – like she not quite let go of the theory that her daughter has slept with an inappropriate man.

Which is why, ten minutes before Rick's appointment, she asks Kate point blank if she having sex with him.

She can't say anything – the words won't come.

Sex? With him? Kate's known him all of a couple hours and her mom thinks she's doing _that_?

To make matters worse that's when the knock at the door comes.

He's early.

Oh.

And by the look on his face when she opens the door he heard what her mom said.

 _Oh_.

Kate is thankful that he doesn't make a joke because she's not sure she could take the embarrassment.

God. Not with her mom in the room.

Johanna makes a quick escape and Castle takes her seat.

Neither say anything for a second, just revelling in the quiet.

"So, Mr Castle," she starts.

They get some stuff out of the way, primarily a written record of why he wants the divorce. Why he just wants it over.

Kate brings up the choice that he'll have to make at some point; fault or no fault but given the circumstances - the fact his wife is having an affair and his fame and wealth - Kate thinks that it'd have to be fault. Castle understands – Paula could walk away with a good chunk of his money if he goes no fault but the idea of going to court, of settling it that way brings back too many bad memories.

It cost him so much divorcing Gina and Meredith,well, his divorce from Meredith wasn't pretty to say the least, on count of Alexis. And with no fault it could all be done with so much quicker.

But he doesn't have to make the choice right now, does he?

He tells Kate this and she agrees – he can have time.

They talk for a little longer, about nothing in particular.

He tells a joke.

She laughs.

He leaves.

(Because Castle heard Johanna asking Kate if she was sleeping with him, he asks her about it when she comes out of her office ten minutes after him)

...

Kate stares at him.

Their standing on the curb outside the office – and, she realise, he must have been waiting for her.

How the _hell_ did he know she was leaving?

And why ask about that – surely he knew she wouldn't want to talk about it? Who would?

He asks again and she turns away. His tone is jokey and it just annoys her.

She tries to hail a cab but it just keeps on driving.

It makes her even more frustrated and she sighs.

Castle laughs a little and for a moment she thinks she might punch him.

"For god's sake…." she starts.

"Why'd she think you were screwing me?"

Wow, annoying _and_ blunt.

"Why the hell do you care?" she snaps, looking up to sky and deciding that it's about to tip it with rain.

"Just wondering." Can't he just shut up! If they stay here any longer they'll both get soaked to the bone because it's going to rain.

"Well, can't you just wonder somewhere else?"

Her eyes are still on the road but she's acutely aware of his – they haven't left her since she came out the building.

Then it starts raining and she glances over at him. He doesn't seem worried about the fact that the heavens are opening.

She tires to get another cab to stop but to no avail.

Oh, _everyone_ hates her today don't they.

Kate casts her eyes down for a second but looks up when another taxi speeds round the corner.

It doesn't stop.

Oh, they do.

"I've got a car," Castle starts and Kate turns to face him.

"Then why are you standing here in the rain? You left it at the playboy mansion or something?" Oh, she's so pissed right now.

"No," he says and Kate can tell she's not going to like where he's going with this. "But watching you trying to hail a cab is _hilarious_."

She doesn't say anything to that. Kate hopes he'll just disappear off to wherever he has left his car and just leave her in peace.

She can't quite believe it's the same man she was in the coffee shop with in the early hours.

He just seems so different. Less jaded, less hurt. Maybe her sleep deprived brain made him seem more like her than he seems now.

"Do you want a lift?" Maybe there is some hope. But then again, isn't that crossing a line? Professional lawyers do not get lifts with there clients even if it is raining.

But then again, it wasn't exactly professional to chat with said client until two in morning in a coffee shop, was it?

Kate decides not to think about it too much.

So she says yes.

He drops her off at her mother's house because she really needs to set something straight with that woman.

Oh, and she's not sure she wants Castle to know where she lives.

Yet at least.

Oh, that thought did not just leave her head.

Did it?

(Because he asks her why her mom thinks they're sleeping together, her mom gives her _that_ look when she turns up soaking wet after getting out his car)

...

Now her mom really thinks she's sleeping with him. Kate sets her right about that. About the fact there definitely not doing _that_. He's annoying and childish and so very smug about it. Oh, and he's a client.

Her mother laughs a little but Kate thinks she does believe her – maybe.

Her dad does, that's for sure.

Her mom thinks the girl doth protest to much but doesn't say anything.

Because it's a joke – all of it, really – if Kate was actually sleeping with him she could lose her mom knows that. That's why it's a joke.

She doesn't see Rick for a couple of weeks, not until his next appointment.

They talk about the best way to proceed; does he want to give Paula the papers or post them. Given that they still live together Kate's not surprised when he goes for the former. Then they talk about how he should tell her. It's not nice –it never is.

Then the appointment's over and Kate goes home.

Her apartment is cold and lonely and so not like home.

Not like the one where she grew up – the one where her mom and dad live.

But it does what it's supposed to and Kate's okay with that.

She and Castle have four more appointments in the next three and a half months.

Somehow she's managed to schedule his appointment last on a Friday every time.

They go to a coffee shop after the second session runs over and talk. How they get on to wedding days is a mystery to her but Castle ends up painstakingly tells her the horrors that were his. It was all pink for Meredith. Very high society for Gina and his wedding to Paula was almost like a publicity stunt.

She laughs at his description and he presses her to talk about her day.

Her wedding.

She laughs before she even starts and that makes him curious. Then she tells him about getting drunk and marrying at a drive through chapel.

In Vegas.

He laughs and while, when it happened she had though it was the worst wedding story ever, it was _very_ funny in hindsight. They don't talk until quite as late this time – Castle's got to go because Paula's coming home and he doesn't want to explain why he was out with a random woman until one in the morning.

Not that Kate's a _random woman_ – well, to Paula she is and he has no desire to have that conversation.

#She sits for a bit after he's gone and wonders why there doing this because of they carry on it'll only end one way and it won't be pretty. She finds his phone, on the floor by were he was sitting and realises he forgot it. She goes back to the office as it approaches two and looks up his address.

Then she takes the Metro over there.

Kate knows Paula will be there in the morning so she wants to return the cell before she gets back. She's not overly sure Castle's told her about the divorce yet and she does not want to be there when he does.

It takes her half an hour and it's raining but it's what friends do right?

When did they become friends though?

Kate knocks on the door after re checking the address so she's sure.

She's at the right apartment.

But when the door opens a middle aged red head is there and behind her, sitting on he sofa is a teenage girl.

They look awake – what kind of people are usually awake at three o'clock on a Saturday morning?

"Hello?" the older red head asks.

"Does Richard Castle live here?" Kate replies, fully expecting to be told that no, no he doesn't.

But instead the woman takes a step to the side and widens the door way, allowing her in.

"And you might be?"

"Kate Beckett. I'm, uh..." She thinks it's his mother and his kid – these people in his living room but Kate has no idea if they've been informed about the divorce. "I'm his friend."

"I'm Martha," the older one states. "and I know you're his divorce lawyer if that's what you're worried about."

Kate just stares open mouthed at her as the younger one – Alexis, isn't it – starts to speak. "Why else do you think were up at three in the morning – he was telling us about it – the fact he's ditching the bitch."

Oh, yeah, the daughter didn't get on well with the wife, did she? "But now we've told you why were here and awake," Martha says, "what brings you here at this time of the morning?"

Kate puts her hand into her jacket pocket and retrieves the phone, gesturing with it as if it's enough reason to be at his house at this ridiculous hour. "He left his phone." _At the coffee shop_ , she nearly says, but that sounds to much like they were on a date – which they certainly weren't.

Martha nods as the door behind her opens at Rick walks out.

Wait, when did she start thinking of him as _Rick?_

"Beckett?"

"Hey." He's staring at her like he's seen a ghost and she's not overly sure why.

"What are you doing here? Not that I mind or anything but you don't seem the type of person to be roaming the streets like a stalker at three in the morning."

She gives him the _look_ – a glare that sends most people running but he just laughs. "You left your phone."

"Oh, so you're not a stalker?"

Martha laughs at that as Kate hands over the phone.

She shouldn't stay but when Martha offers her a glass of wine she seems powerless to refuse.

Kate only stays for the one glass.

Then she goes.

The next time she sees him is for his next appointment and by the end of the fourth one he's ready. Ready for his marriage to end. It's taken a while but Rick wanted everything to be researched, legitimised, so he can't get blindsided by something he hasn't seen coming.

It makes Kate laugh a little, his determination. She has to admit that he's not too , he can be. But he's not most of the time. Kate's alright with that.

"So, you okay with that Castle?"

They've taken to calling each other by their last names – Castle and Beckett- because according to him it makes it a little less formal and makes her sound vaguely less like a teacher.

He says it's a cop thing.

Kate looks down to her desk for a moment, her eyes scanning it. She's looking for a document he has to read before he finally tells Paula.

"Yeah." He replies "Yeah. Sounds good."

Kate continues looking for the information but it dawns on her - she's probably left it at her apartment.

Oh.

She tells Castle this and he bursts out laughing before offering her a lift. He knows that she walks to the office most days and if not she takes the Metro.

And he needs to read the document, so she yes.

Together they get to his car – the same one she's seen before – and get in.

"You seem like the kind of guy who'd have a driver," she says, getting in to the passenger seat.

He laughs. It makes her smile a little.

"It's his day off."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Does he have every day off?"

He laughs again and starts the engine. They drive for a bit in silence but neither like it much.

"So how's Alexis?"

"She's good. We're talking more now."

Kate nods and the realises that she hasn't given Castle her address.

"You have no idea where we're going do you?" She asks, laughing a little.

"Well, no, but I'm guessing."

"Where would you guess then Castle?" He shrugs, indicating and coming to a halt at a set of traffic lights. He looks over at her before replying.

"I could go to your parents house?" ge starts "because I haven't go a clue about we're you live."

"And you say you work with detectives everyday?"

The lights change and Castle turns his attention back to the road. Kate tells him her address and he corrects their trajectory accordingly. They've been like this recently, laughing and joking together and Kate has to admit that it's nice. She's allowed to think that, isn't she?

When they to her apartment her dad's standing by the door.

(Because her mom gives her that look, Kate's been avoiding her parents but her dad seems to want to talk to her)

...

She turns slightly to say something apologetic to Castle but before she can get anything out her dad speaks.

"Katie," he says and and she thinks he sounds worried.

Why would he be worried? It's not like she's cut all contact or anything – she still phoned everyday. Yeah, she might not've seen then for a while but it's not enough to get her parents worried, is it?

"Katie," her dad says again and she realises that it's not worry in his voice but warning.

What the hell?

Behind her Castle takes a step forward. Kate thinks he's about to say something but then Jim speaks again.

"Your neighbour phoned, said he'd been here for a few hours…"

"He?"

But before her dad can reply she sees who he's talking about.

"Kitkat!" Oh god he's drunk. Her ex-husband is standing outside her apartment completely off his head with alcohol.

Rogan O'Leary.

Oh.

"Hey baby," he slurs, taking a step towards her. "Where were you? I couldn't get in!" She hates him when he gets like this and she's not particularly fond of him the rest of the time anymore. Not since the divorce. When he's like this though, sometimes, he forgets that ever happens. Kate guesses this is once of _those_ times.

"Rogan," she starts "we're over remember?"

He just takes another drunken step. Her dad, and surprisingly Castle, both take protective step in return.

"Katie, come on. Just let me in," she shakes her head and attempts to walk passed him.

Jim goes to follow but Kate gives him a look that tells him to make sure her ex doesn't do anything too stupid. He silently agrees and let's her go. She stumbles a little on the step up to the door and Rogan speaks behind her.

"You've got…" He starts seriously – well about as serious as a drunk man can get but still, it makes her turn. However Rogan seems to forget what his point was before remembering and continuing. " you've got to be careful Kitkat."

Kate has no idea why she has to be careful but Rogan starts towards her. He stops in front of her and gestures as he speaks. "You've got to be careful," he repeats in the same serious tone. "You've got a baby in there."

She stares at him, feeling tears well in her eyes.

(Because her dad wanted to talk to her, he hears Rogan talk about the baby)

...

"You're pregnant?"

Not anymore.

It's her dad speaking but by the look on his face, Castle seems like he wants to ask the same thing.

"No" It's all she can say. "No."

Rogan looks at her like she's lying and she really doesn't want to have this conversation.

"Rogan, don't you remember? I lost the baby," she says and for a moment she can't breathe. "Don't you remember?"

It was years ago now, but if Rogan still thinks they're together then he's living in that time period in this drunken haze. She was pregnant – God and she had been so scared. But she had lost the baby and it had _hurt_. But she had got over it. She doesn't need it brought back up. Not all this time later.

"Katie…" Rogan says, and this time his tone is mock-warning. "We can do this….work this out"

"No."

"Please?"

"Rogan, I can't do this,.

"You can Kate, you're strong." He regards her for a moment, Rogan, and then takes a fumbling step towards her. "I love…" he starts but she interrupts before he can get any further.

"I think you should go."

"Kitkat…"

"Please."

He doesn't attempt to talk again, much to Kate's pleasure. He just stands for a second. Then he nods as coordinately as a drunk person can and starts backwards. He aims for the lift but seems to forget you have to press a button to make it appear. Castle does it for him and a second later Rogan's climbing in. He goes to stay something but the doors slide closer and he disappears.

They all just stare for a moment.

"Katie?" her dad asks but Kate just turns and unlocks her apartment door.

She enters and goes straight to her coffee table- finding the papers meant for Castle.

She stands there for a while.

She's not going to cry.

No.

She's over it.

"Katie?" Dad again.

"Just go home dad. I'll call yeah?"

"Kate," he says - he's trying to protest – trying to get her to talk about it.

She's not ready for that.

"Go dad, please. We'll talk about it – you me and mom if you want but please not now." She pauses before adding "Okay?"

Her dad agrees and she hears him leave.

That's a bit better, she thinks.

When she gets outside Castle is sitting on her front step.

She hands him the paper and he puts his hand on hers. Just for a second but he does.

She goes to speak but he gets there first.

"You okay?"

She nods to start with the tears threaten once again.

She shakes her head and he hugs her.

He _hugs_ her.

"Shush, it's okay. It's okay."

She shakes her head against him and he kisses her hair.

She lets him into her house.

He sits on her sofa.

He holds her until she's stopped crying.

And then she tells him.

And she's never told anyone before – not about how, after nine years of marriage to Rogan she has found out she was having a baby. And how it had scared the hell out of her.

She pauses then, to look at him – and she sees his eyes, ever constant on her as she speaks and they way he looks like he wants to hold her forever.

She tries not to think about that.

Kate goes on to talk about how she'd told her husband and he had sounded indifferent to it. How that really hasn't helped with the nerves. Then she tells him how she lost he baby one cold winter's day. How it nearly killed her – both literally and metaphorically.

She never told anyone – her parents had been on holiday in Italy and in her daily phone call she had just pretended nothing had happened.

They hadn't even known she was pregnant in the first place.

He hugs her once she's finished speaking. Pulling her tight to him and whispering to her that's it's alright – that he has her now. Kate has no idea when there relationship changed from that of a lawyer and client but she has a suspicion that it was that first night in the coffee shop.

Oh well.

But then again this – him being here holding her- is crossing a lot of lines.

It is not professional in the slightest.

Castle puts a hand under her chin, making her look at him.

Then she kisses him.

Oh stupid, stupid Kate. She could lose her job, her licence. Everything.

He kisses her back.

(Because Rogan talks about the baby, Castle and she sleep together on her single bed and she realises that she's crossed a million lines she can't go back on)

...

She wakes in the dark and he's still there, by her side.

Castle's already awake and he puts his hand on hers.

He pulls her closer and her eyes shut for a second.

Kate feels like she could stay here forever.

But she can't, no, she's already crossed too many lines tonight.

Far too many.

She starts to sit and can still feel his touch on her arm.

But he lets her go.

Kate dresses in silence, trying to concentrate on the task at hand instead of what she's just left behind.

Or what she's done.

Oh the stupid, stupid thing she's done.

Rick sits up in the darkness but he doesn't say anything.

She turns to look at him before she goes, planning to go to the kitchen and think about how the hell to handle _this._

Their eyes meet.

The looks switch between _this is the worst mistake I've ever made_ and _I just wish I could stay here with you forever._

Kate's not overly sure there's any middle ground.

But by the end the former wins; it was a mistake.

It shouldn'tve happened.

She goes into the living room and a few minutes later he appears.

"You should leave,"she says and he walks over to her. Castle leans down and kisses her like she needs it to breathe. He pulls always and holds her for a moment.

"It was a mistake," she breathes in to his shoulder. They stand like that for a moment, caught between guilt and love.

He wants her to tell him to stay but it's not right, none of this is right.

God, it's so wrong – she could lose her job and he's married.

He's still married.

So he lets her go.

(Because they sleep together, they can never go back to being just friends)

...

* * *

 ** _Any thoughts?_**

 ** _This is going to be a three shot so I should update soonish. :)_**


	2. Chapter 2

_Some truths can save us, some take our lives_

 _Some truths are fire, some are ice_

 _\- South, Sleeping At Last_

* * *

 _Chapter 2_

She's a terrible person, standing in her kitchen at ten past five in the morning.

A terrible, terrible person.

What has she _done?_

She's not that kind of person – she doesn't sleep with people's husbands.

She doesn't sleep with clients.

She doesn't.

Except, it seems, she makes an exception for _him_.

It's Rick's fault as much as it's hers, the rational part of her brain tells her.

But still – she shouldn't have let it happen.

What has she _done?_

She's slept with a married man and she can't deal with that.

She's not the other woman – she's just not.

She doesn't do _this._

 _Oh but she has._

She makes herself a cup of coffee but she just holds it – Kate doesn't really feel like drinking right now.

She is not a good person – not now.

Except, all she can think about is the way his hands felt on her body – the way his kisses drove her crazy and it's really not helping.

Not when all she wants is to do it again.

Oh god, why does she feel like this – she shouldn't feel like this.

She shouldn't want someone else's husband.

Kate turns her attention to her phone, flicking through Facebook and the news in a bid to distract herself but it's not working.

She wants to talk about it with him but she told him to go – she made him leave because she was angry at him. Why does he get to do this to her?

Her phone rings in her hand and startles her out of her anger. Her mother's caller ID flashes up and Kate wonders why her mom is up at six in the morning but knowing her, something work related is probably bugging her.

"Hey Mom," Kate starts. "How'd you know I was up? It's early."

"You were on Facebook a while ago," Johanna says in answer. "Katie," she continues "we need to talk."

Oh, her dad must have told her about what Rogan said – what she said. With the other thing going on she'd nearly forgot she'd promised to talk about it.

"I was pregnant Mom," Kate says and she hears her mom make a noise akin to a gasp. "And I lost it. Okay?"

"Oh Katie…."

"I don't want to talk about it." Her Mom goes to talk but Kate stops her. "Please, please, Mom – I don't want to. I'm okay, yeah. But please." If she starts talking about it now she might cry – break down like she did last night with him.

Oh, and now she's back to thinking about Rick.

"Okay, if that's what you want Katie. I know it's hard. Do you want to come over – you're dad's up. We could have breakfast."

"We won't talk about it?" she asks hesitantly.

"We won't talk about it."

She's at her parent's house in twenty minutes but when she gets there she just sits in her car for a bit. Because everything is just so overwhelming. And she can't believe she slept with a married man. Kate feels like the moment she walks into the house, her parents will look at her and they'll just know.

They'll know what she did and she couldn't bear that.

She can't really bear it anyway.

Kate opens the car door and walks out into the dark morning air. She tries to take a deep breath but it won't come. She shuts her eyes and tries to forget about it; she's having breakfast with her parents, it'll be fun.

Kate knocks on the door.

When she gets in to the living room memories of her childhood start flashing back to her – mainly to do with the Sunday brunches her mom used to cook but sill, she misses it. Life back then was certainly less complicated than it is now.

So much less complicated.

She sits at the table with her dad and they start talking about baseball. Kate's happy for the distraction if she's being honest.

Her mom comes in – omelettes for everyone in her hand – and the conversation topic changes to Aunt Theresa and how long this third marriage will last.

At half eight her dad disappears to work. Kate and Johanna don't work at the weekend but Jim does.

Kate knows that it caused a few arguments when she was a kid – not a lot, no, barely at all. But when her parents argued – every once on a blue moon – it was usually about his work schedule.

It leaves Kate alone with her mom and the memories of how she spent the previous evening and it's drowning her.

Then her mom asks if she's okay and she can feel the tears threatening.

Oh god, when did she get this pathetic? Kate hasn't cried in front of her mom in years – she must've been what, 16?

"What's wrong Katie? What's wrong?" Kate's looking away but she feels her mom's arms envelope her and once again she's thinking about Rick and his arms and god, not here, not at all.

It's not fair.

She can't tell her mom about it – even though it's eating her up – because Johanna would have to report her. And she's not sure her mom would. Kate's not ready to throw away two people's careers because she screwed the wrong person.

Especially her mother's.

"Nothing, Mom," she manages to sob through the tears.

"Katie, it's not nothing." Her mom sounds stern and Kate hasn't heard her use that tone in so long – probably not since she moved in with that biker guy when she was 17.

"I did something really stupid, Mom," she says, pulling away from the hug and starting to wipe away the tears.

She won't tell her mother what happened – she doesn't know how to articulate it. She should feel terrible – she's a terrible person certainly – but she can't forget the way it felt. The fact it felt right.

And then she starts crying again.

(Because she and Rick can never be friends again, Kate falls apart in her mother's living room because she doesn't feel as guilty as she should)

...

Rick doesn't see her for a week. He wants to, god, he wants to so much but he knows he shouldn't. What he did was wrong – it makes him as bad as Paula. He doesn't cheat – that's not who he is – but what's done is done.

Two days after he leaves Kate's apartment at 5 o'clock he tells his wife he wants a divorce.

She doesn't take it well.

But in the end they decide to go no fault.

He thinks he gives in because he just doesn't care anymore and he feels guilty, so guilty, that he wants to see Kate more than he does anyone else.

Paula gets a lawyer – some women called Marcia Kane – and it's Ms Kane who thinks that the four of them; Rick, Kate, Paula and herself, need to have a session where they go over all the details – all the things they've declared to their lawyers so that when it comes to the judge it makes it as easy as possible.

Rick leaves a message with Kate's receptionist that explains what Marcia has requested along with the date and time of the jolly little get together.

He couldn't phone her – he hadn't wanted to see her – because he was scared that she's still be angry with him.

God, she has reason to be, but still.

When the meeting with Paula and Ms Kane arrives Castle's worried she won't even turn up – but then if she was anything, Kate knew how to do her job and what they did wouldn't mess with that.

He's sitting across from his wife and her lawyer, a glass of water held in his grasp when she appears..

She takes his breath away and she smiles a little at him. She's pretending it never happened. Smart woman. Yet it leaves him a little empty.

Marcia Kane and Paula both introduce themselves and Kate does too in return. Then she takes the seat next to him and it begins.

Kate starts by cross referencing all the notes she has on Castle's wife. Her full name, her date of birth, her job – things like that. Kate's trying not to show how much she's freaking out.

But she takes a deep breath and continues. She's checking that all the data she has in relation to the divorce is correct; like the date of the original marriage and things like that - when her eyes fall to the last question she has to ask.

 _Have you at any point in your marriage had an extramarital relationship? If yes, was this relationship sexual or of another nature?_

And Marcia Kane is about five minutes from asking Castle the same set of questions.

Kate just keeps going, mentally counting down the seconds until her life implodes.

She gets a nice recap of Paula's affair – with a guy called Giovanni that lasted three months and is now over. She apologises, Paula, and it just intensifies the guilt Kate is trying to keep under wrap.

Then it's Marcia and Rick's turn. She watches as the questions get slowly less and less until the words _extramarital relationship_ are falling out of her mouth.

If he says no and then they find proof he's lying he could lose everything but if he says yes she'll lose everything.

And this conversation would get _incredibly_ interesting.

"Yes," he says and Paula nearly falls out her chair is shock. Kate closes her eyes and prey's that it'll be quick, that she won't get slapped in a bitch fight or something.

"Could you repeat that Mr Castle?" Marcia Kane asks, consulting her notes – notes that Kate knows says Rick stated he'd never had an affair.

Rick really doesn't want to repeat it but he stares at Kane and says 'yes' once more. The lawyer scribbles down something on her pad and then turns back to him.

God, he's in for a grilling isn't he?

"Is that to say you lied to Miss Beckett here when she asked you the same question earlier in your divorce proceedings?"

Why bring me into it, Kate thinks, just wait a minute Marcia and then you'll be able to bring me up whenever you want.

"No," Castle states and Kate is starting to wonder where he's going with this.

"No?" Marcia questions. "It's says here-"

"It happened after I filled that out,"

"Oh," Marcia says, writing something down and raising an eyebrow. "It was recent?"

"Yes."

"And what kind of relationship was it?"

"What do you think?" Castle snaps. God she's being a bitch, this Kane woman, isn't she?

"Did you have sexual relations with a third party? Is that what you're saying Mr Castle?"

Paula is staring at her husband like she's baying for blood and Kate thinks the likelihood of getting slapped when it comes out just doubled.

"Yes."

"Okay, Mr Castle. Was it an affair - did the sexual relations occur on more than one occasion."

Before he answers, Rick wonders why the hell she needs to know this stuff but then he remembers how much Paula was questioned about her trysts with Giovanni. And he realises that he's going to be asked her name.

Oh.

He's waiting for it – they both are – for Marcia to ask for a name.

It's not going to be pretty when she does.

"It was a one night stand."

"When did this take place?" Marcia fires back before he's even had time to breathe.

"Uh, a week ago." Marcia nods and notes something down. Without looking up she speaks.

"And her name?"

He can't just say _her_ and point at Kate, now can he? He knows that if he admits to Marcia who he really slept with Kate'll lose her job, her license – her everything.

And him, he's through the worst of it now.

"I don't know," Kate lets out a breath she didn't know she was holding. He's lying to protect her. What an idiot. She thinks she loves him just a little for it though.

"You don't know her name? You're telling me you know when you had sex with this woman but you don't know her identity?"

"Yes."

"Okay," Oh, Marcia Kane sounds very sceptical about that, Kate thinks – or is that her just being paranoid? But the meeting winds down from there – both she and Marcia finish making notes as Paula stares at Rick like he's just hit her round the face.

She has no right, Kate thinks, she slept with some else far more than just once.

Marcia talks to Paula for a moment and then turns back to the group.

"My client," she starts "would like to speak to your client in private." When she finishes speaking she's already half way to the door and expecting Kate to follow.

She does but stays outside the door, telling Marcia that she'd like to speak to her client afterwards. All she says in reply is "God, that was tense wasn't it – haven't had one like that in a while," before flouncing off in some direction or other.

Inside the room Rick stands, he really doesn't want to talk to Paula right now.

"Who was she?" she whispers, her eyes like hell cats on his.

"Paula," he warns, he's not having this discussion here – Rick knows for a fact all the walls are paper thin.

"Who was she?"

"Oh for god's sake Paula didn't you hear what I said – I don't know who…"

"You lied," she bites back. "You know who she is and you're protecting her."

"Paula," he warns.

"No, you're protecting her. Why?" Castle really doesn't want to answer that, he doesn't want to tell his wife that he slept with his divorce lawyer – who, he's pretty sure, is standing outside.

And if she's there, Kate will be able to hear every word.

"I don't know who she is," he says and Paula doesn't attempt to speak again.

Castle makes his way to the door.

He's right – Kate's outside.

(Because she doesn't feel as guilty as she should, Kate decides it's best if she walks away)

...

She does well – she doesn't see him for two months.

She tries to avoid the articles in the paper but it's hard – the gossip pages are alight with stories of Rick and Paula's grizzly end.

And somehow the press know that they both slept with other people while together. For some reason, the backlash is worse for Rick. The papers crucify him – implying that he's always had a string of women waiting for him.

Oh, if they knew the truth.

Well, she lose her job for one thing – and probably be attacked by a crazed Paula but it would put them in their places wouldn't it?

She sees more of her parents now she's trying to distract herself. She and her dad go see baseball for the first time since she divorced Rogan and Kate enjoys and her mom go shopping – see a movie and talk. Johanna doesn't mention the time Kate cried in her living room and for that she's grateful.

She's doing well – Rick doesn't phone, obviously not interested in the one night stand or her anymore – he doesn't care so she shouldn't.

She tries.

But then something happens while she's having dinner with her parent's in early May that changes everything.

There's a bottle of wine on the table and her dad's going on about a tough case he's been working. Her mom makes the occasional comment but for the most part they just let him talk.

She's not really paying attention, she should be, but her thoughts are more wrapped up in the calendar on the wall behind him.

And dates – she's furiously trying to work out dates. They add up – and, oh god, oh god.

Oh god.

Kate thinks she's pregnant.

She thinks she might be, oh god.

She's hyperventilating slightly, trying to draw breath and failing. Over and over.

Oh god.

Kate makes her excuses and her parents look at her like she's crazy. She heads for the first person she can think of; Lanie. She'd met the medical examiner during those first few months she'd spent with Rick - by accident actually – but they'd struck up a firm friendship. A friendship that had survived the disintegrating of her relationship – for want of a better word – with Castle.

She goes to Lanie's apartment and bangs on the door until it opens.

"It's eight o'clock, what are you doing here?" Lanie doesn't look impressed but Kate can still tell she's happy to see her friend.

"I… Can I come in?" Lanie moves to one side and Kate enters, her breathing still not under control.

"Can you give me some advice?" Kate asks, she needs to know – be sure. She needs to tell someone.

Her only other option is her mother and she does not want that conversation.

"Advice honey? Whatever about?"

"I think I'm pregnant."

"Oh, Kate."

Lanie lets her sit down and puts a reassuring hand on her shoulder. She says Kate should get a test – make sure. There's no point worrying until you know for sure – that's what she says.

So she goes and gets one and Lanie stands outside the bathroom while she does it.

And it says positive.

Oh god.

When she tells Lanie she asks about the father and Kate just stares at her. She hasn't told her about Rick – about what happened. She's not planning to.

"He's not in the picture."

(Because she walks away from him, Kate plans on having his kid without telling him)

...

He's trying to mend his relationship with Alexis. That's what he spends the two months after his divorce doing. His mother helps, asking her granddaughter around more often, helping to bridge the gap that has formed.

But Paula's out the picture now. Gone and she's not coming back. Ever. Alexis is happy about that.

They play laser tag a few times – even though she's eighteen and he's way past being a child. But they have fun – it's like it used to be.

They know about the one night stand. Thanks to the papers, everyone knows about it.

Alexis was okay with it – surprisingly for Rick, giving her moral outlook on life but he guesses that she just didn't like Paula enough to care. Martha, on the other hand, has an issue – which Castle thinks is at odds with her easy going nature but still.

They have words – she tells him in no uncertain terms, that he shouldn't have done it. If he wanted to sleep with someone else he should've waited 'till his marriage over.

He should've respected his vows.

Castle's just happy she doesn't know it was Kate he slept with because he thinks Martha would have a field day with that information.

With the knowledge that he screwed his divorce lawyer.

She tells him he should've kept it in his pants – that he was stupid to go there because it makes him as bad as Paula.

He spends a lot of time with Ryan and Espo too – going to the precinct and helping out because, to be honest, he was MIA for most of his divorce and he misses the action.

Sometimes, when a suspect calls for a lawyer, he entertains the idea that Kate'll turn up.

He misses her.

Castle knows she stayed in contact with Lanie when she severed all ties with him and sometimes the ME makes veiled comments he's sure refer to Kate.

Or maybe he's inventing connections were none exist.

Meredith comes to stay for a while – completely out of the blue.

She just turns up one day with her suitcases, saying she wants to spend some quality time with her little girl.

The fact that said little girl lives in a dorm room at collage and not with him downs seem to occur to her.

Martha goes out a lot while his first wife's staying so for most of the time Castle's alone with her. And it's torture. She mention's his infidelity a few times – trying to get the story out of him. Meredith says it not like him to have an affair but she guesses she was wrong.

Then Gina turns up – wanting to talk about a new book deal and things get even worse. She wants to talk about it too and they join forces to try and learn the truth but he stays firm. He hasn't told anyone – his mother and Alexis don't know and he plans for it to stay this way.

Rick knows that if he tells Meredith it'd make tomorrow's paper but he thinks if Gina knew she'd keep quiet to start with.

But whatever the outcome Kate would probably lose her job and he couldn't bear it if she did.

He starts planning for his summer party while Meredith's staying and Alexis helps out.

She suggests people to invite and he copies them into the email with the details on.

"Your new agent," she offers and Castle adds the name to the list. "What about the lawyer – your divorce one? She did you a big favour."

Castle's eyes stay on his computer for fear his face will give something away. How can he tell Alexis he doesn't think it'll be a good idea without letting something slip.

For all intents and purposes they parted on good terms.

Oh, if his daughter knew the half of it.

"Yeah." It's all he can say.

(Because he and Alexis start to bond more, he ends up inviting Kate to his summer party)

...

She stares at the email for the hundredth time – it's got to be a joke. Some kind of _sick_ joke. But it's there in black and wants her to come to his summer party and she can't believe him.

Three months and now this.

 _This_.

She's with her mom and dad when she reads it for the first time. Which is a bad idea because all they can say is how nice it is of Rick to think of her. All she can think of is how much of a bastard it makes him.

Oh, she really hates him in that moment. She not going to the party and she's not telling him about the baby.

Her mother has other ideas about the first point – she wants her to go and have fun – but Kate still hasn't told anyone about the second thing.

Actually, only Lanie knows and Kate hasn't informed her of the father's identity.

Because she doesn't want to talk about it.

He hasn't contacted her in months and now this. It's so cruel, she thinks, but then again how is he to know? He got no idea she's having his kid, does he?

And he won't if she has anything to do with it.

It's not because she's a horrible person and she's doing this to get back at him for not calling – no, not at all.

It's because she thinks he'd be a fantastic father and she can't have that.

Someone would work it out – not that it really takes much working – that she was the girl he had the one night stand with. And Kate'd lose everything.

It wouldn't exactly be the best start for her baby, would it?

Lanie tells her to go to the party too – and for a moment she entertains the idea.

She wants to see him. So much. She misses him but Kate feels that if she did go, the news would just come falling out of her mouth. And she can't be doing with that.

She wants to tell her parents that they're going to have a grandbaby but she doesn't want to have the inevitable conversation about the father with them.

Kate's worried they'll be disappointed. She doesn't want that.

Oh, when did her life turn in to such a _mess?_

She guesses it was around the time she slept with a married man. And know she's having said married man's baby. At least she helped him get divorced in the middle of all that.

She's having a baby – Rick's baby.

A _baby_.

God she's scared.

All she can think about is what it was like with Rogan – when she was having his baby. And it nearly kills her. She's terrified. She has to tell Rick – he deserves to know.

So she goes to his party.

(Because she get's invited to his party, Kate ends up in a little room off to the side of his living room pouring her heart out to Martha Rogers)

...

There are a lot of people there, at his house. Much more than the three who occupied it when Kate had last been there.

She meets two of his ex-wives and thanks god that his third doesn't seem to be there.

Kate meets Alexis again but still has yet to bump in to Rick.

It's getting to her – everything – it's all too much.

She's holding a wine glass in one hand but she has no intention to actually drink it.

She's pregnant after all.

She sees Rick across the room and she catches his eye. He smiles.

Oh, she's _missed_ how he smiles.

Someone bumps into her and the un-drunk wine nearly falls to the floor but Kate manages to stop it just in time. It's all to much – she doesn't fit in here.

So she goes to a little room off of the party area and standing by the floor to ceiling window that occupies it.

She just stands there, watching the stars and their fracturing light in the night sky. Kate takes a deep breath and tries to get a grip. But she shouldn't have come – she shouldn't be here.

It's just too much.

Kate wants more than anything to go home but she's not sure where home really is; it's definitely not the apartment she lives alone in. She guesses her parents house still counts but she's moved on since that.

She doesn't know where home _is._

Not anymore.

The door opens behind her but Kate keeps her eyes on the stars. Someone's probably just opened the wrong door.

"Honey, are you okay?" It's Martha, she thinks, as she turns around.

Kate really doesn't want to speak to anyone – she just wants to go.

"Beckett, isn't it?" the older woman persists. Martha takes a stand next to her, watching the freeway below them as appose to the sky.

"Kate. It's Kate." She finally says a few moments later. It'd be rude to ignore her, wouldn't it.

And Kate is carrying her grandchild.

Oh god, she's thinking about it again. Can't she just go back to when she was thinking about the stars – that hurt so much less.

She and Martha continue to stand in silence, watching the lights below and above flicker and change.

Kate can hear the music from the party along with the quiet buzz of conversation she has no wish to rejoin. She's hoping Martha won't drag her back but from the look on the older woman's face, she too is glad for the break.

"How far along are you?"

Kate doesn't say anything for a moment – far more perplexed as to how Martha knows.

Lanie is the only person who knows.

How the _hell?_

Kate just stays quiet. She's not having this conversation.

She is not.

"You keep touching you're abdomen dear. It's subtle but I remember pregnancy very well."

It seems she is.

Kate does the movement Martha described, placing a curled fist on to her abdomen for a heartbeat then pulling it away.

"And you haven't touched a drop of alcohol all evening."

Has Martha been watching her all evening?

"I.." Kate starts but she has no idea what to say – what do you say?

"It's all right, I know it must be a shock to have it sprung on you like that," Martha says, before adding. "How many people know?"

"You," Kate says. "My doctor," which technically Lanie is.

"The father?" Martha prompts and Kate just turns her attention back to the stars.

She doesn't want to talk about this.

Not here.

Not now.

Not ever.

"He's not.." Kate can't do it – she can't say he's not in the picture because the only reason he isn't is because she hasn't told him.

"Not around?" Kate doesn't nod because she might laugh, coldly, hollowly, if she does because he's in the next room.

The father of her baby is definitely around her right now.

"You don't have to do it alone you know?"

"I don't have a choice." Doesn't she?

The choice she does have is impossible – no one should have to make the decision she has to do.

To give her child a father or lose everything so the child has nothing but a mother and a father?

Oh, she knows Rick has money but if he leaves her – god forbid – at anytime Kate has nothing to fall back on if she loses her job. She would have nothing.

The baby deserves more than that.

Kate doesn't think she has a choice.

"You always have a choice," Martha says as if it's the most obvious thing in the entire world and Kate wants to shout at her, scream and tell her why she can't do this – can't guilt her into telling Rick because it would destroy so much.

She doubts Martha knows what the aftermath of that would be like.

"Have you told the father?"

Kate wants to tell her, so much, that it's her son. Her Richard is the father.

But she just stays silent, the older woman's words ringing in her ears.

 _You always have a choice_.

Oh but what do you do if that choice will burn everything to the ground?

"I don't think he'll be interested."

That means no, no she hasn't told the father. No, she won't be telling the father.

Kate's going to do this alone – she's made her peace with that.

With the doubt and the regrets she knows are going to come every single time she sees Rick or thinks about him or sees an article in the paper with his name in the headline.

She'll be okay on her own.

"You should," Martha says and that surprises Kate a little, knowing that the older woman was a single mother herself.

"He... he won't want to know. I'm doing him a favour Martha, trust me."

The red head looks sceptical but leaves the subject alone and letting the two of them return to silence.

Kate thinks about her own mother then, and how Johanna needs to know. At least then, selfishly for Kate, she'll have someone to cry with when it all gets too much.

Martha disappears without a goodbye soon after and Kate opens her handbag and pulls out her cell. She finds her parents number without any hassle – she knows it off by heart anyway – and dials it.

"Kate?" she hears her mom say a few seconds later. "I thought you were at that party?"

"I am Mom, I am."

"Then why are you phoning? Go have fun." Johanna sounds happy for her and it makes Kate smile.

"Mom, there's something I need to tell you."

"If it's the fact you're pregnant you don't need to."

For the second time that night Kate is lost for words.

"I'm your mother, Katie. And you've had all the signs – not drinking alcohol, larger than normal appetite, nausea – those sort of things. I'm happy for you."

Kate is just wondering when the father is going to come up.

"You can tell Dad if you want," she says, hearing her mom chuckle in the background.

"He's heard this whole conversation Katie – he already knows."

Oh, okay.

"I'm not going to ask about the father – I can tell you're worried about it. You can tell us when you're ready, whenever that is."

"Thanks Mom," she says.

"It's alright," and then the door opens behind her but Kate isn't listening, her mom is telling her goodbye and she's finishing the call.

"Hey Kate." Her blood runs cold because it's him.

It's Rick.

And she can't breathe.

Oh god, oh god.

She can't breathe.

"Hey Rick," she finally forces out, turning round to face him.

Silence falls for a moment and he takes a step forward.

Kate closes her eyes and preys that he won't come any closer.

"My mom told me."

And that's the moment her whole life starts to fall apart, crashing down around her.

(Because she pours her heart out the Martha, Rick knows he's going to be a father)

...

She swears, loudly before casting her eyes to the ground. She won't cry, not here, not now.

"She didn't know, about us – I'm sorry Kate."

Oh but she did, Rick, Kate thinks, of course Martha _knew_. She could see in her eyes, in the way she spoke.

Of course she knew.

Kate still doesn't speak but she looks up, her eyes finding his. The tears are back but she won't let them fall – she remembers what happened last time she cried in front of him.

How could she not? It's the whole reason she's here now, in this mess.

"You weren't going to tell me, were you? That what my mother told me."

Kate doesn't know what to say, he'll want to be a father and she can't deny him that, can she, if he knows it's his baby?

"I can be a good dad Kate, I…."

"It's not your baby." Oh, where did that come from?

It's cruel, so _cruel_. She can't do that? Oh but she has. She's told him it's not his kid when it is. It's to save herself, that's why isn't it, and her child. It's for the greater good. It will stop everything burning to the ground. She's doing it to save them.

"You're lying." He's angry and she can't blame him – not in the slightest. Oh, she hates herself right now.

"You're lying," he repeats.

"Rick please, I'm not. I'm not."

"How far along are you then?" She doesn't reply to start with but drops her gaze.

She can't bear to look at him anymore.

"I'm right here Kate, look at me. Please Kate." He still sounds angry but Kate can tell that there are tears threatening , she knows all too well.

"It's not yours, Rick. Just listen to me."

"How far along?" Kate closes her eyes and realises that the music has stopped, the party is over.

It's just her and Rick.

"Three months," she breathes and he just stares at her.

"Then how can you be sure? Hey? You screwed me three months ago or don't you remember?"

"Rick please."

"Who is the other guy, then? The one you cheated on with me?"

Kate flinches at his words but she deserves them.

Then she can see it dawn on him, the fact that she's lying – that there is no other man. That he is the father after all.

"Kate," he says, and most of the anger is gone. "If you're doing this to protect yourself you don't have to. I've got you, it's okay."

"It's not okay." she snaps, angry that he'd even say that. " I will lose everything, don't you understand? That is not the start this kid deserves."

"It's mine?" he asks and she nods.

"Yeah, yeah it is but you get it right – if anyone finds out what we did I'm finished, Rick. I lose all the stuff I've worked so hard to get."

"I know Kate. I know."

But neither of them know what the hell to do.

"We really messed this up, didn't we," he breathes, closing the distance between them and holding her tight.

"Yeah, yeah we did."

He's holding her when the door opens and Martha comes in. By the look on her face she heard every word. Kate blames her, just a little, for telling Castle. But then again, what mother wouldn't?

"You should get some sleep, the pair of you."

She ends up in his bed – her dress still on and her shoes by the door. He holds her until the dawn breaks. Neither of them sleep. There's far too much to worry about.

(Because Rick knows she's having his baby, Kate wonder's if she's ever going to sleep again)

* * *

 ** _Any thoughts?_**


	3. Chapter 3

_We have no past, we won't reach back,_

 _Keep forward with me all through the night_

 _\- All Through the Night, Cyndi Lauper_

* * *

 _Chapter 3_

He's up before her.

Not awake, no, for neither of them had been asleep.

Rick sits in the kitchen, a cup of coffee held in his hands, for a while. Just thinking.

He's been thinking for hours and Rick wonder, for a moment, if it might drive him crazy.

He has no idea what to do – for once there isn't some little plan to get him out of this mess as there seems to have been in the past.

There is no way out – not unless one of them leaves something behind.

He has a feeling that Kate will hold on to whatever she can get.

His mother appears before Kate does, walking down the stairs and taking a seat next to him.

"How are you doing kiddo?" is her only question and even she can tell she's not going to get a reply.

Rick just can't think of anything to say; 'I'm not doing good' would require explanation as to why, Martha would be able to see through 'absolutely wonderful' in a heartbeat and just 'fine' wouldn't be enough.

They sit in silence for a bit, Martha pottering around – making toast for herself and her son, enough coffee for a hoard.

She's half way through cooking some pancakes - for god knows who, Rick thinks – when Kate appears at his bedroom door. She's smiling, not too noticeably but enough, and she stands in the door way for a moment.

She's not sure if she's wanted, not sure if she wants to be there – everything is slightly overwhelming in the dawn light of his living room.

But, then again, wasn't everything overwhelming before she set foot in his house?

She's still wearing her dress – some blue thing Lanie persuaded her to buy – but it's rumpled and creased from where she lay down in it.

The silence is, Kate thinks, drowning them both – her and Rick – they've both had hours to think, to come up with plans and plans for the plans but they haven't talked.

She has no idea if the idea's she has formed are anywhere close to the one's he has.

She guesses there's no time like the present to find out. She takes a step into the room and realises she's tired – she wants more than nothing to go to sleep but she's spent so long trying that Kate knows that even if she tried it wouldn't come

There's just to much; to much to think about, to much to take in – simply just to much.

She can't shut down.

Kate was never any good of letting things go – even as a child she'd spent hours in the night thinking about things that had no real consequence.

She stops next to Rick, not sitting down but standing – there's no protocol about this, is there? Kate has no idea of what's expected of her.

For some reason, she thinks that nothing is actually expected of her.

She just has to sit down and talk. But if she doesn't, Kate doesn't doubt for a minuet that Rick would just sit and wait until she was ready.

Whenever that was.

"Hi," she says nervously, and she almost chides herself – she's so past the point of being nervous in front of a boy – particularly this boy.

Martha turns the frying pan off and stands behind the cooker, her eyes staring down at the freshly cooked breakfast.

"Hi," Rick says, his gaze falling to meet hers.

What the hell are we doing?

It's the look in both of their eyes.

(Because Kate wonders whether she's ever going to sleep again, she's not really thinking straight when Paula bursts through the door at half seven in the morning)

Kate isn't aware of the time – she gave up around half three – electing instead to listen to the sound of the freeway and her thoughts.

She just sit next to Rick as she eats the pancakes that Martha made and he reads the paper.

And it's all very domesticated and it almost makes Kate laugh because she has never been domesticated in her life – even when she was married to Rogan they'd never done this.

She guesses that's were all her trouble's started with him – if, indeed, they hadn't started at the drive through chapel at two in the morning – with her reluctance to just be normal with him; to sit down and have breakfast by his side, to go out for walks with a dog they never owned, to go out for meals where they'd just talk about nothing but how wonderful everything was – in a way, a way now quiet glaringly obvious to Kate, she had never been happy with him.

She had never loved him as much as she should've – but then again she assumes that's the chapel coming through again.

Martha drops the frying pan and Kate is snapped away from her reverie. Rick puts the paper down and stares at his mother, giving Kate gets the distinct impression that Martha does this reasonably often, if the look on Rick's face is anything to go by.

Martha's half way through an apology when it happens.

There's a knock at the door and Rick looks at it – it quiet the way he just stared at his mother.

Kate just guesses that they get a lot of early morning visitors here. Rick stands, saying something about only being a second and Kate wonders if they're ever going to talk.

If I could just stay here forever, Kate thinks, then we wouldn't have to make a decision and everything would be okay.

Oh, how wonderful that would be.

But, over by the door, Rick is utilising his stare again – this time at his ex-wife. His third ex-wife.

Paula – she's going on about something she's left at the loft even though she moved out nearly 8 weeks ago now.

But, he has to let her in – what reason could he possible use to keep her out? And how does he explain Kate? Oh, my pregnant divorce lawyer is currently eating pancakes with my mother but feel free to come in.

Which ever way he tries to phase it, it doesn't sound overly enticing.

Instead, Paula bursts in before he can say a word but comes to a halt barely three feet in to the apartment.

"Her?" she practically screeches and Rick hopes Kate won't hate him too much. "It was her?"

Kate thinks that it's quiet a leap to make – there could be hundreds of reasons as to quiet why she's sitting in Rick's kitchen eating pancakes. It doesn't matter that Paula's right, that Kate was the one night stand – and more in turned out – assuming that information from this situation is quiet a leap.

Oh and by the look on Paula's face, that bitch slap is coming.

"You screwed your divorce lawyer?" Rick doesn't say anything but from where he's standing the only face he can see straight on is his mother's and it's not making things any better.

"You slept with her?" Paula says her in the way you'd talk about the enemy in a war or the man who murdered your entire family and Rick wonders when she replaced Meredith as his most melodramatic ex-wife?

He still doesn't say anything and Kate stays silent too, just accepting what Paula throws at her. Martha looks as if she's watching her favourite play and Rick wishes they didn't have an audience.

But then again, his mother is better than Alexis.

"Rick," Paula's words pull him back to the conversation like a braking truck and by the look on his ex-wife's face she's not happy.

Not that it's surprising – she had always wanted to know the identity of his one night stand after all.

"Rick?" she repeats and he realises she's not just going to leave.

"Paula I…" he starts, but for how much she was badgering him to speak, she's talking again before he's even finished.

"You can explain, can you? How - how you going to explain your self out of this one Ricky?"

"Paula, please," he starts but he never continues because Kate interrupts, her voice far more confident than she expected it to be.

"I had sex with your husband, while you were still married," Rick stares at her. His face is shouting why make it worse? And Martha – who knows they must have slept together at some point, - drops her gaze, Kate guesses didn't know when. Paula takes a step towards her.

"You bitch," she swears.

"Isn't that what you wanted to hear, Paula?" Why else ask? – Kate thinks. She half turns away, looking down at the now empty plate on the surface.

When she turns back again Paula's closer and her hand is raised.

Kate isn't expecting the slap, not then at least.

Rick drags his ex away, and Kate just stands there. Martha comes over and places a cool hand on her cheek.

God, it hurts.

Kate's never been slapped before – she's not the type to go around steeling other people's boyfriend, or husband's for that matter, but then again there's a first time for everything.

Martha comes back with some ice, which Kate thinks might be over doing it but she greatly accepts and takes her seat back.

"Why her?" Paula says, her quiet words not much use against the complete silence of the loft – even though their in a different room now.

"Why do you care Paula?"

"Why do you think Rick? You cheated on me with her – and you don't cheat, that's what everyone says. So why? I want to know why."

Rick can remember what happened after he found out she's been sleeping with Giovanni – the arguments that had occurred. It had been a circle; Why did you do it? Do you love him? Of course I don't love him. Then why did you do it?

Rinse, repeat. For hours.

Rick knows how much good knowing does you and it's not enough – you still wonder why even if you have all the facts in front of you.

"Why?" Paula asks, her voice quieter, more restrained.

Why did he do it? She had been crying – Kate, that night, - and had kissed him. When did he pause to think about what he'd say to justify it to Paula?

Was it while he kissed her neck, or took of his pants?

If he's being honest, all he'd thought about was Kate and how beautiful she was.

"I…" he starts but there's nothing, no words jump forward.

At least Paula doesn't know about the baby – small mercies and all.

"Do you love her? Is that it? That what you kept asking me when I told you about my affair. So come on, do you love her Rick?"

(Because Paula appears at the loft door at half seven in the morning, Kate hears Rick say that he loves her for the first time.)

She and Martha should talk – should do anything to drown out the conversation that's happening next door.

Kate does not want to know – she has no desire to hear Rick tell his ex-wife that he had a one night stand out of pity. That's what it, was wasn't it? Pity? She had been crying and not thinking straight and kissed him.

It wasn't exactly some great love story, was it?

Martha takes the seat next to her, still without saying a word. The older woman has already done all of the washing up and had stood around for a while but she's come to a stop now.

They're both listening even though they shouldn't.

"Do you love her? Is that it? That what you kept asking me when I told you about my affair. So come on, do you love her Rick?"

Kate's expecting him to laugh – how ridiculous could his ex wife get? – and Martha is waiting for him to stammer and apologise and then throw her out.

"Yes,"

It silences Paula and, if they'd been talking, his words would've had the same effect on Kate and Martha.

Kate closes her eyes as Paula recovers from the shock and starts speaking, shouting, at him.

"You love her? Her? What the hell Rick? Is this some kind of joke? You've known her five minutes!"

"Paula, please," Why the hell did he say that? What made him be so stupid –he guesses thinking Kate just makes him do and say questionable things. "I love her – that's why I slept with her, that's why she's here, okay? I love her."

Paula whispers something suspiciously like 'You bastard' and then turns.

"Paula I…"

But she's already heading for the door.

"Say goodbye to future wife number 4 would you? Tell her the divorce clubs waiting for her," It's bitter and frustrated on Paula's part but it leaves Rick speechless.

Kate stares at the table in front of her and Martha stands, getting her coat and kissing her son on the cheek before following her former daughter-in-law out the door.

They stand in silence for a while – like actors who have forgotten their lines – before Rick takes the seat next to her.

"Kate,"

"I didn't hear what happened?" she lies, oh she's got good a lying "What did you say to Paula in there?"

He looks at her like he's not sure weather to believe her or not but drops it.

"We need to talk," he says "About our baby,"

(Because she hears Rick say he loves her, she starts to panic about everything and walks out before they've decided what to do)

New York at night is beautiful, Kate thinks, as she emerges from the metro station.

She told Rick some excuse about having to go see her parents and left.

She hadn't be able to bear it.

She's not ready for it – love – for any of it.

She's having a baby.

Oh god.

Kate finds herself on her parents door step ten minutes later and when her mother opens the door she nearly cries.

It's all to much.

She gets sat on the sofa and handed a cup of water. Her mom holds her and her dad sits opposite and Kate knows their both waiting.

Waiting for her to talk.

She's not sure what to say, what to talk about first.

Probably the baby, she thinks, but she can't tell them about the father. About Rick.

It was one of the only things they decided, to keep it quiet for as long as possible to ensure that Kate didn't lose her job.

Martha is the only other person who knows. They want to keep it that way.

He didn't push, he didn't pry – he just asked if she was okay and she freaked.

She left.

He probably hates her right about now.

"You know, right dad?" she starts, fiddling with the glass in her hand.

"About the baby?" he asks and Kate nods. The tears are threatening and she hates herself for being so pathetic.

She can deal with this.

The tears don't come.

"Yeah dad, about that,"

They're happy, for her, for the fact they're getting a grandchild. Neither mention the father, not to start with, but when both her parents leave her alone to tend to some hot drinks she can hear them.

"Aren't you worried Johanna?"

"Jim, she'll tells us okay, in her own time,"

"But what if it's bad – what if he hit her or something Jo. You saw how upset she was,"

"I don't think it's anything like that Jim,"

"What do you think it's like – she didn't tell you anything did she?" Kate hears her mother hesitate, and she wonders what it is that her mom is holding back.

"I think he's married Jim, that's why she won't tell us,"

"Oh,"

And then Kate guesses they turn there attention back to the kettle because they stop talking.

(Because she walked out on Rick, she spends the night it her old bedroom at her parents house and when he calls at three o'clock in the morning she's sound asleep.)

Her cell's on the floor and in the dark the ringing screen illuminates the whole room.

She pulls herself from the warm confines of the bed and picks the phone up.

"Beckett," she whispers, trying not to wake up her parents.

Kate knows from years of experience that the walls in this house are practically non existent.

"Kate," it's Rick.

Oh god.

From the one word he's spoken he doesn't sound angry, like Kate expected him to be. She wouldn't've blamed him, they'd been trying to have a difficult adult conversation and she'd just given up.

She let it all get to much.

"Kate," he says again. "I'm sorry,"

Sorry? What did he have to be sorry for?

"I'm sorry Rick," she says.

"It's okay, I get it – it's a lot to get used to. But," he seems to hesitate and Kate has no idea what he's trying to tell her.

It is three in the morning after all.

"Do you get the ledger?"

"The paper?"

"Yeah,"

What the hell was he asking that for – this wasn't exactly the time to be comparing their subscriptions.

"Yeah, I do, my parents do – most of New York does,"

"I'm sorry," he says, as if getting the paper is a death sentence. "I'm so sorry,"

"What Rick?" she asks "What's wrong?"

"Paula," he says and it's all Kate can manage to say oh.

"She went to the paper, yesterday, after she left the loft. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's the back page."

"Shit,"

"Yeah,"

Silence descends for a few moments before Kate speaks.

"How bad?" she doesn't want to know but she should, her parents get this paper – they're going to read whatever it is the article says.

"Oh basically, you and I had a affair and you're some scarlet woman who stole me away from my wife."

"She really went for it, didn't she?"

"Have you met her Kate? She's more melodramatic than my first wife and that's saying a lot," Rick takes a deep breath, before continuing. "It doesn't mention her affair, what she did wrong. It paints you as some whore who screwed me for no good reason." He's angry now, about what Paula has done – the way the papers talk about her – Kate the self respecting lawyer – like she's nothing.

"I'm going to lose my job," she says almost normally, but she guesses the panic will set in later. "It doesn't mention the baby does it? Please Rick, I couldn't bear it if…"

"No," he says and it calms her worries, just a little. "No, I wouldn't let anything like that be printed Kate – I can't get this stopped because it all came so fast. I usually know if they're going to print something about me in advance but this. This is cruel from Paula,"

"Can I come round? Sit out the storm with you? My parents will want to talk but I… I just…"

"I understand Kate, I get it. See you soon then?"

"Yeah"

And with that Kate sneaks out and crosses town and half an hour later she's lying next to Rick on his bed.

She cries a little then – because everything is about to go wrong.

Her whole life is going to go down it flames and she can't fight it.

(Because Rick calls her at three in the morning, she's up by six waiting for the paper – waiting to see the damage the fire will cause)

It's not pretty – not at all.

She reads the article once, twice and then again.

But it does no good, it's not going to go away.

And she hates it. This isn't her life - her personal life plastered to the back pages.

She's a lawyer. She's a respectable citizen.

She slept with a married man. She guesses this is her punishment.

Her parents always read the ledger with breakfast, reading interesting bits out to each other but she thinks that this morning, this morning that might be a little harder.

What with the daughter on the back page.

Her father doesn't get up until seven, her mother until half past so she's still got time – an hour – before her whole life implodes.

She should call the them, tell them about the surprise waiting for them with their morning coffee but she doesn't.

There's so many things she should do that she's exhausted just by the thought of them; call work, resign, cry, look for a new job, probably look for a new profession, talk about the baby with Rick, deal with Alexis, cry some more, go see her parents and try and get them to understand, go see Lanie, cry.

There's just so much to do. The Rick wakes up and he reads the article. He doesn't talk while he does it, doesn't remark about anything it contains but when he's finished he throw it down on the table and stares at it for a moment.

"Everyone is going to read that," is all he can say, even though they both knew that before hand.

The fire's coming higher, burning her now, just a little.

And then her mother calls, and everything's alight.

She doesn't answer the call – it's like she physically can't – but instead lets the ringing tone dial out and she sits there listening to the message, Rick too.

"Katie, sweetie, have you seen the paper?" her mother starts "it's okay Katie, it's okay, just come home okay. It's okay."

But it's not.

The knock at the door comes just as her mother is finishing her message and for a second Kate has the horrible feeling that it'll be Paula.

But it's so, so much worse.

The fire comes rushing through the door and Kate knows she can't put it out- not now.

It's Martha who knocked, which, to Kate is not that bad, but behind her – waiting on her heals – is Alexis.

And she's angry.

"Dad," she says, throwing the paper down on top of the copy he already has. "What the hell?"

"Alexis," he starts but she doesn't show much interest in listening.

"You screwed you're divorce lawyer – how much of an idiot could you be?"

"Alexis," Martha says and Kate is eternally grateful for the presence of the older woman.

At least there's one person in the universe who's on her side.

"Dad?" Alexis says, the anger slightly less, "Is it true?" Kate thinks that it's obvious because of her own presence but she doesn't say so.

Alexis just sounds like a little lost girl.

"Yeah, pumpkin, a little" Kate's not convinced by Rick's definition of a little – despite the way they're presented in the article, the basic facts are true. Though, it does leave out rather a lot.

"So," Alexis says wearily, turning to face Kate – finally acknowledging her existence. "Hello Kate, I guess?"

"Hello Alexis," she replies, she thinks for a moment of her baby – this girls brother or sister – and it scares her.

What if something went wrong – what if she lost the baby like last time.

It's something that's been haunting her since she found out but she hasn't told Rick. She's not sure she could go through it again but Rick doesn't need to worry. It might not happen.

Anyway, they'd cross that bridge when - if – it came to it.

"You're pregnant?" Alexis' words shock all of them into a stunned silence.

How the hell did she know?

"Mother, I told you…"

"I didn't kiddo," Martha says, laughing slightly at her granddaughter's intelligence.

"Am I right?" Alexis asks, quietly, having noticed the reaction her words received.

Kate wonders what it is she's doing – Martha, her mother and now Alexis could all tell without her saying a word.

What happened if the papers got a hold of that? What would that do to her reputation?

God knows.

"Yeah," Kate manages to say because Rick looks like he may never speak again. "Are you okay with that Alexis?"

Well, Kate thinks, if she says no there's not a lot that she can do about it.

Alexis thinks for a moment and Kate takes a step closer to Rick, taking his hand and squeezing it ever so slightly. Martha notices and smiles sightly.

"I've only ever met you once," Alexis starts, "And I wasn't really keen on finding out courtesy of the back pages," Yeah, we weren't so keen on it either, Rick thinks, "But I'm not angry anymore – I'm just a little shocked, that's all."

Well, at least she's not going to slap me like Paula did, Kate thinks. Rick's about to say something when Kate's cell rings again.

Her parent's number flashes up.

She can't ignore them again, can she?

Rick looks up at her and nods slightly, Kate takes the call.

She moves to the bedroom and shuts the door – for all the privacy it gives her.

"Hey Mom," she says but when the voice on the other end of the line speaks it's her dad.

"Hey Katie," he sounds tired but she doesn't blame him, if it was one of them in that article, she'd feel exactly the same.

It hurts, to see them upset.

In that moment she wishes she hadn't ever met Rick – had just gone to collet her mail in morning like a normal person.

Maybe he still would've been there?

But she wouldn't've taken him to that coffee shop, she would've taken him to the office – been professional.

She wouldn't've slept with him.

She wouldn't be in this mess – with the fire creeping ever closer.

Her parents wouldn't be disappointed in you.

"Are you coming home?" her dad asks, and Kate shakes her head but doesn't speak.

She and Rick have a lot to talk about – especially now – and she's not sure he'd take kindly to her running off.

Or maybe he just wouldn't bring it up.

She doesn't know this man – not really.

"Do you want to come here – I'm …." But she doesn't know how to explain it – the father of my baby would be one way, that married guy I slept with would be another – but in the end she plumps for something simple. "I'm with Rick. You don't have to if you don't…"

"Your mother and I would love to meet him,"

And then she gives them the address and hangs up.

(Because she's up by six to see the damage the fire will cause, by the time her parents turn up at Rick's loft – her whole life is burning to the ground)

After she hangs up on her dad she gets another call – she hasn't even been able to tell Rick that they're coming but she knows the number.

She knows what the call is about.

It's work.

When she connects the call she finds Tony – her boss – on the other end.

"Beckett?" he asks as if he was expecting someone else to pick up.

"Yeah?" she doesn't say anymore even though she knows what the call is about.

"You know don't you, why I'm calling," he sounds worried, as if he thinks she hasn't seen the paper.

"Yes, I know," she says and Kate feels like she's signing a death sentence.

"I have to fire you," he says and even that sounds negotiable. Oh Tony, she thinks, will always think the best of people even when there bad side is shoved up to his face.

"I know," she says, bowing her head into her hands.

"You're one of the best," he says "we're sorry to let you go but your position was…untenable,"

"I know," she says again and disconnects the call before Tony tells her she can pick up her stuff on Monday in a way that makes it sound like a question.

She stays there, head in hands, for a few moments.

Just breathing.

It seems like it's the only thing she can do right theses days.

In a away she wishes Tony had been angry – has Kate ever seen Tony angry? she doesn't think so, he isn't the type – but he should've shouted at her, told her she was stupid for sleeping with a client and throwing away her career at the firm.

Anything but firing her in a way that made it sound like he might phone back and say it was a mistake.

Anything else.

She opens the door to the room to find Alexis siting next to Rick at the breakfast bar as Martha poured some coffee.

"My parents are coming over," Kate says, interrupting whatever it was they had been talking about. "They'll probably be here soon,"

She waits and it's not long until there's a knock at the door and her mother and father are ushered in.

They sit, they talk to Martha, they talk to Rick, her mother talks to Alexis while her father talks to her.

Her father laughs at Rick's jokes and Alexis tells everyone about college. Her mother talks about the case – arson – she's been handling and Martha mentions a play.

There happy, sitting in the in the loft. It's burning, Kate can tell, still – outside but the flames haven't quiet got in.

Her mother takes her one side and they talk, for a bit, about how she's coping.

How she lost her job.

Her mother tells her it's alright – Rick is a good guy no matter what the papers try and make out.

And it doesn't matter what mistakes have been made – they look happy.

Happy is a good start.

Then they go back to the rest of the group and laugh and talk.

No one mentions the baby.

Not for a long time – not until her parents and Martha and Alexis are all long gone.

He's doing washing up and she's clearing the table and again Kate's struck by the domesticness of it all.

It seems so normal.

It's slightly scary but she's okay – she's coping. "I think you should move in," he says, scrubbing a dish and putting it on the draining board.

"Okay," and that's it, she's moving in and she's okay with that.

They are having a baby together.

"It'll make it easier, when the little one is born," he says, his eyes on the taps.

"Yeah, yeah it will."

The silence reigns for a little longer than either of them are comfortable with and both start to worry they've done something wrong – said something that the other can't accept.

"We'll be okay," he says, turning away from the sink and looking at her. "We will,"

Kate keeps clearing the table but she knows they will, they'll be good.

Kate thinks the fire's may be out.

(Because Kate's life is burning to the ground, she moves in with Rick when she's five months pregnant,)

The forth month of her pregnancy is spent trying to find a job for after.

After the baby, after she's a mother.

Rick tells her that she could just look once everything's calmed down a bit but she doesn't listen.

She's got nothing if she doesn't have a job.

He just tells her she has a family.

That makes her happy.

In the fifth month she moves in, taking a spare room because their not together.

Not really, not yet.

Martha stays, happy to be of help once there's a baby.

Then the paper's and Paula along with them find out.

And that fire that Kate put out comes back roaring.

It's bad, for a few days, reporters in her face – articles saying she's nothing more than a passing fancy.

But then Gina, one of Rick's ex-wives, arranges an interview for him – because he's her new publicist too – and Rick tells the world just enough that they know he's happy.

The flames are still burning, just a little but Kate's used to them.

She's still happy.

Her parents come round to the loft every Friday, along with Alexis and they have a family meal.

They talk and laugh the way they did that first night.

Everything is good.

Her sixth month is spend with her father, at a fishing place near Missouri. Her mother comes down once a week to see them, Rick twice.

But mainly it's just her and her dad.

They talk, about childhood, about how to raise kids.

About new beginnings and things. Her dad offers her a job at his firm and she nearly cries. Damn hormones.

She has a start – a job. Something to build on.

They fish, well, her dad fishes and she sits with a pole in the water and catches nothing.

For four weeks straight she catches nothing.

But then again, she never said she could fish.

She comes back to New York with no fish but a better out look on parenthood.

She spends much of the seventh with her mother; buying things for the baby, talking about labour, breastfeeding, how good Kate wants to be and Johanna knows she will be.

They decide names too – her and Rick.

She has to outlaw Cosmo which he's really keen on and she really isn't but in the end they have a list, a few for each.

Boy

Tomas

Nicolas

Jackson

Girl

Megan

Jenna

Eloise.

Kate wants a boy and Rick another girl. He wants a little Jenna above the rest and she wants a little Tommy, though Rick's still championing Cosmo.

(Because she moves in with Rick when she's five months pregnant, Martha is first person to know when she's in labour and helps her when she starts to panic )

She's eight months and two weeks.

She's early.

Only two weeks but it's enough to worry her, due dates are there for a reason.

Her baby doesn't seem to understand that though.

Rick's by her side before she can stand and helps her to the ambulance and off they go.

Martha stays behind and starts rallying the troops because the baby's on the way.

She doesn't have a long labour – thank god, is all Kate can think, - and her son is born at three in the morning.

He cries, straight off, but because he's a little small – 4 pounds 11 ounces – he gets a hat and an incubator.

But he's perfect.

When Rick puts his son's head in his palm his feet don't reach his elbow and he's just so in love.

With both his little boy and Kate.

She tells him, while slightly high on gas and air, that she heard him say he loved her to Paula all those months ago.

He stares. But he says it again and kisses her.

Because he loves her.

Her parents turn up, followed soon by Martha and Alexis and as Kate's mother hold her grandson she asks if they've chosen a name.

They have;

Tomas James Cosmo Castle.

She let him have Cosmo in return for letting their sons middle name be James – the same as her father.

Little Tom stays in the incubator for a few days, still a little cold. But five days after he's born, they get to take him home.

( Because Martha helped her when she panicked, Kate realises she has a family, that contains of her mother and father and Rick, Martha and Alexis and she's so happy about that)

She holds her son.

She does't want to let him go but she has an interview with her dad's firm – a formality apparently – and she has to go.

Tom's fourteen days old.

She meets her mom for coffee, her son in his stroller and Rick by her side, before hand.

Her mother makes her feel prepares.

Johanna is proud of her daughter, of her grandson and she can't stop smiling.

The interview is a formality, and for that Kate's thankful.

Her father congratulates her after she officially gets the job. He hugs her and again she's struck by how lucky she is to have such a good family surrounding her.

When she gets out side it's dark. Rick is sitting on the front step, Tommy in his arms.

"It's been a year," he says. "Since we first met, today,"

Kate looks down at her watch and she sees the date – the 18th of November – and realises that he's right.

"Yeah," she says, leaning down and kissing him. "Happy anniversary"

(Because she has a family, her mother gets to see her be happy)

9th January 1999

Johanna Beckett looks at her watch and then up at the street ahead of her.

There are two ways to get the restaurant, the alley to her left and the lit road to her right.

If she choses the alley she'll get there in time and won't be late but it's dark and she's not to sure where she's actually going.

Johanna Beckett choses the road.

* * *

 _ **Any thoughts?**_

 _ **Thank you for reading :)**_


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